The Real Origin of the Earth
I have said unto thee that I am the creator of the universe. Do ye yet not believe? Look around thee at the wonders I have made, the heavens above and the earth below, and all the plants and trees and grasses, and all the fishes in the sea and even all the kinds of animals that I have allowed to evolve over these many millions of years. Who else could have done these things? Have I not told thee it is I, the Big Cheese? Therefore, believe it is so, for I have told thee it is so.
I have made the earth, and I have made it as flat as a pancake, yeah even as flat as a fine French crepe. But I have also made it round, so that there are no corners to hide in. Round and flat the earth I have made so that ye shall know I do a good job. Do not listen to those unbelievers who would turn thee from the righteous way and lead thee in search of a spherical earth. See with your own eyes that the earth is flat and that I have made it so. Do not journey to the north and to the south, and to the west and even unto the east to find your beginning place, for if ye do so, ye will surely fall off the edge of the earth and be swallowed in the darkness forever. Follow the right path which leadeth in a circle on the face of the flat earth and keeps thee safe.
The stars in the heavens have I planted there firmly in the firmament so that they shall not fall down upon thy heads and smite thee mightily. I have placed them there in many places, yea at many distances too, that ye may enjoy many hours at thy telescopes at a time when I cause thee to invent telescopes, and Coke and Cheetos too. All these things have I done and more that ye will know my power and believe it is I who have done this.
In good time when ye are ready I will reveal to thee that the purpose of the flat round earth is so that it might sail beneath the heavens like a Frisbee, yea even like a giant blue and green and brown Frisbee from morning until night and then from night until the morning, and not fall into the abyss unless I am having a really bad day. Therefore believe in me and my works that I might not have a bad day. If you shall fall, I will hold thee safe in my mighty hand. If the dog shall catch thee, thee are on thy own.