please rate my story!

[spacefire]

here's something I wrote over a year ago.<br /><br />It's called "Waiting in the desert" and it's about...well,read on and tell me what you think <img src="/images/icons/wink.gif" /><br /><br /><br /><br />The caravan pulled off the interstate on a county road. Soon they abandoned that as well in favor of a dirt road. They drove on it for a bumpy half hour, and then they stopped. <br />John Stavros got out of his SUV and surveyed the area. As Mike had promised, they were on top of a hill. It was rather flat, and the downward slope of the surroundings was barely perceptible. Nonetheless, the location offered a panoramic view unmatched in the Mojave Desert. Excellent seats for the grand finale.<br />Stavros looked up at the night sky. A sickle moon hung low, and myriads of stars dotted the heavens, so close together that they formed an almost uniform curtain of pale light. <br />His target had just appeared over the eastern horizon. Already it was the brightest star on the firmament.<br />……………………………………………………………………………………………<br />The discovery of asteroid 1376127YH had caused quite a stir in the astronomic community. Its calculated trajectory appeared to pass alarmingly close to Earth. The media quickly picked up on the story, feeding the public’s fears. The roughly cylindrical object was twenty miles long and ten miles in diameter. It was big enough that, in the event that it hit the planet, it would wipe out every living being with the possible exception of bacteria deep in the soil.<br />Then official sources from most developed countries announced that Earth would be spared. Yes, the asteroid would come really close to hitting the planet. But its orbit had been precisely determined and they were happy to report that there was no danger. The masses breathed a collective sigh of relief and the media quickly returned to its usual stories about terrorism, the extremely dirty election campaign and the latest Hollywood marriage or divorce. After all, the smart boys and girls with the <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[tom_hobbes]

Beautiful description of the event, spacefire. Your dignified group of observers rang true as well. I'd love to think that I would be similarly composed if confronted by the end of history. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p><font size="2" color="#339966"> I wish I could remember<br /> But my selective memory<br /> Won't let me</font><font size="2" color="#99cc00"> </font><font size="3" color="#339966"><font size="2">- </font></font><font size="1" color="#339966">Mark Oliver Everett</font></p><p> </p> </div>

 

[aluxeterna]

Hi Spacefire!<br /><br />Excellent story. I will rate it an 8. Your polished writing style and consistently-building suspense made for a very enjoyable read.<br /><br />I take it you want some real criticism, rather than flattery, however, so I will suggest the following:<br /><br />This might simply be my preference, but you could make the story a little longer. The story is fine as-is, and "flash fiction" is always a treat, but when you have a solid story and a talent for the telling, you should trust your audience to stick with you for the duration of the ride.<br /><br />Open fast (as you already do) but then dive into the character a little more. Make the audience feel a little more for John Stavros. Play with the Cassandra Complex a little more. Let him struggle a little more before finally succumbing to the eerie peace that permeates his demise. <br /><br />Basically, I enjoyed the story, and was sad that it ended as soon as it did. Of course, the swift pace of this work can be considered as a thematic element, causing one to ponder the inevitability of something (mortality) that can never be put off far enough--by the same token, however, because the ending is known, and is inescapable, you should (as long as you keep up the same high quality of writing) be able to create a longer version of the story that still holds the same power over your audience.<br /><br />Great job.

 

[wmdragon]

good one, good build-up to the spectacular climax. poignant too, as it should be. how scientifically sound is it? very convincing to me, but Im no astronomer or physicist so I wondered how you got the science of the consequences of impact. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p> </p><p><font color="#993366"><em>The only laws of matter are those which our minds must fabricate, and the only laws of mind are fabricated for it by matter.</em> <br /> --- James Clerk Maxwell</font></p> </div>

 

[spacefire]

thanks for the coments everyone. I have been told before to make the story longer. Fopr a while I played with the idea of expanding it into a book, with this short story as the first chapter. But, alas, the subject has been covered extensively, and I don't think I have the drive to write something as strong and complex as Lucifer's Hammer. So, I left the story as it was and decided to focus on other projects. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[spacefire]

Wmdragon, I did a little research, read some articles I found online...the idea is that nobody knows exactly what would happen if a large body impacted with Earth. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[wmdragon]

I could see the appeal of a longer version, but it worked just fine as it is <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p> </p><p><font color="#993366"><em>The only laws of matter are those which our minds must fabricate, and the only laws of mind are fabricated for it by matter.</em> <br /> --- James Clerk Maxwell</font></p> </div>

 

[aluxeterna]

agreed...definitely worked as is.<br /><br />Also, I agree with your decision, Spacefire, to not turn this into a book-length piece. I would suggest something no more than twice or three times the current length--still definitely short-story material.<br /><br />In any case, do you have any plans for this story, now that you've received some feedback?

 

[spacefire]

no, no plans for this one, but I have another project that's been in the works for a while which I abanondoned and I might resume. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[majornature]

Sound adventurous and mysterious. I love stories that have adventure and a mystery to it. Have you written a book on it yet? I would like to read more. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <font size="2" color="#14ea50"><strong><font size="1">We are born.  We live.  We experiment.  We rot.  We die.  and the whole process starts all over again!  Imagine That!</font><br /><br /><br /><img id="6e5c6b4c-0657-47dd-9476-1fbb47938264" style="width:176px;height:247px" src="http://sitelife.space.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/14/4/6e5c6b4c-0657-47dd-9476-1fbb47938264.Large.jpg" alt="blog post photo" width="276" height="440" /><br /></strong></font> </div>

 

[spacefire]

my other literary endeavour is a book. haven't worked on it for a while, and it's going to need a major overhaul when I'm finished. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[Leovinus]

I would have headed for the Rocky Mountains. I think that might have made a more interesting (and longer) story -- hanging out till the last possible moment and watching the planet die as the last witness. Leaving behind some kind of record for future inhabitants of the planet. In fact, the story could start that way: Some future inhabitant (either re-evolution or an interstellar visitor) discovering the record, decyphering it, and telling the story to us as we read along. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> </div>

 

[spacefire]

been done before, I think it was Asimov. very good story. Cause of planetary death was an ice-age, but not sure what had caused it. Has Mickey Mouse in it! Can't remember the title. <br /><br />In my story, I wanted to describe a tsunami coming at you. Sadly, many people have seen that last December.<br /><br /> As I said before, for a while I toyed with the idea of starting work on a book on the subject. I wrote a chapter for it last fall, I might post it here just for kicks. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[relaisterre]

<blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr /><p>So, I left the story as it was and decided to focus on other projects.<p><hr /></p></p></blockquote><br /><br />Good call. I'm a writer myself and I agree : the thing is just fine on its own. Don't try expanding on it for a book. The story is good as it is. I liked it. I liked the description of events. I could feel the rush of the impact, I could feel the desert and the wind. I could hear the wolves. Appealing to the senses is an effective method for connecting with the reader and -- strangely enough for what is a basic writing mechanism -- many people overlook it. So thumbs up for that.<br /><br />As far as reworking/rewriting goes, here are my suggestions to improve your writing:<br /><br />First, developping the characters more. This is a must. Right now, these guys feel like cardboard cutouts. It feels as though you placed them there just because you needed someone -- anyone -- to bite the dust. I learned many things in my writing classes, and one of them was that an author is responsible for one thing only : his characters and the world they live in. Big or small, you have to answer to your characters. You owe them. You don't owe your readers a sandstorm or a meteor crash. You owe your characters life. No matter how small the world, no matter how short the story, you owe your characters life. Think of them as long-time friends whose story was never told. Think of them dying of something and they beg you to tell the world their story. Even your villains. Even your most loathesome characters. Fall in love with all those people. Feel them begging you to tell the world their story and think of yourself as the biograph they never had. You owe those people who don't exist but scream to live. I swear, once I started doing that, none of my characters ever felt lifeless or flat ever again.<br /><br />Second, suspension of disbelief and motivation. I find it hard to believe that people just stand there w

 

[spacefire]

thank you for your advice, I shall try to implement your suggestions in future and ongoing works! <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[nova_explored]

nice writing but...isn't this very much like the movie deep impact. very reminiscent of that and others. <br /><br />not to take away but for inspiration look to this short animated film- go to: internetarchive.com and search for HORSES ON MARS.<br /><br />its a gem to find. <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> </div>

 

[spacefire]

nice writing but...isn't this very much like the movie deep impact. very reminiscent of that and others. <br /><br />oh yes, when I first watched Deep Impact I was very moved by the scene where Tea Leoni and her father wait for the tsunami on the beach. <br /> <div class="Discussion_UserSignature"> <p>http://asteroid-invasion.blogspot.com</p><p>http://www.solvengineer.com/asteroid-invasion.html </p><p> </p> </div>

 

[rogers_buck]

Excellent. Well written, superbly descriptive of the happy event. The end of everything! I enjoyed reading that and hope to see it for myself... I'll be jumping up and down pointing and yelling "Thats why you have a space program! Protest this you pathetic monkeys! Etc."<br />