Post your funniest jokes/videos!!

[star_sirius]

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!




Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.



So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs
by having the standard 'Death To Americans'(etc.) slogans printed in English?



Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.



Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the 'civilian' insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!

This picture is not doctored or photo-shopped.

 

[vogon13]

Q: What does an eighty year old Baptist woman taste like?


A: Depends.

 

[starsinmyeyes44]

This is a must read for all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or
wanna-be Texans--

JUST TEXAS

Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
Pearland , Texas 77581
Orange , Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Cleveland , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
Pasadena , Texas 77506
Columbus , Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Italy , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
Palestine , Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031

We have a city named after our state
Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
Robert Lee , Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084
Mars , Texas 79062

You guessed it. It's on the state line.
Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile......
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from
Texas ...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
may live in Texas ;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the
weekend, you may live in Texas ;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you may live in Texas ;

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going
80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in
Texas ;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them
with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas ..

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about
Texas .
1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2.. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3... El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in
North America built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008!
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman
who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston .
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any
other area in North America
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North
America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in
1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on
Galveston Island .
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20,1969, was
" Houston ," but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the
time.
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island
..
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall
record of 43' in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979...
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY,
(known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the
Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the
same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500
years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no
period in Dr Pepper..
18. Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston
,Velasco, West Columbia and Austin ..
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the
U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing
monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument.
21. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word
'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas ..
22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit
of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one
egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four
females.).
23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome
in Houston .

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross
Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Y'all git all that???

 

[warpfactor999]

I don't know if I can post my funniest jokes....because they would probably offend people!

 

[starsinmyeyes44]

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.*


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

 

[star_sirius]

 

[cosmictraveler]

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the
first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."*

 

[star_sirius]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x6VhNCKw5Q[/youtube]

 

[star_sirius]

 

[star_sirius]

 

[yevaud]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s[/youtube]

 

[Boris_Badenov]

The sharing of marriage....

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)


















'THE TEETH.'

 

[starsinmyeyes44]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67wFpe-Rfyg[/youtube]

 

[star_sirius]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67wFpe-Rfyg[/youtube]

Betty is one cool granny!!

 

[starsinmyeyes44]

I think this is great!



Dave Barry on SUVs (2003)

IF THERE'S ONE THING this nation needs, it's bigger cars. That's why I'm excited that Ford is coming out with a new mound o' metal that will offer consumers even more total road-squatting mass than the current leader in the humongous-car category, the popular Chevrolet Suburban Subdivision -- the first passenger automobile designed to be, right off the assembly line, visible from the moon.

I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the "Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure." In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface -- all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport-Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual road. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport-Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds and other wildlife species that have fled from the forest to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 mph.

In the real world, of course, nobody drives sport-utility vehicles in the forest, because when you have paid upwards of $40,000 for a transportation investment, the last thing you want is squirrels pooping on it. No, if you want a practical "off road" vehicle, you get yourself a 1973 American Motors Gremlin, which combines the advantage of not being worth worrying about with the advantage of being so ugly that poisonous snakes flee from it in terror.

In the real world, what people mainly do with their sport-utility vehicles, as far as I can tell, is try to maneuver them into and out of parking spaces. I base this statement on my local supermarket, where many of the upscale patrons drive Chevrolet Subdivisions. I've noticed that these people often purchase just a couple of items -- maybe a bottle of diet water and a two-ounce package of low-fat dried carrot shreds -- which they put into the back of their Subdivisions, which have approximately the same cargo capacity, in cubic feet, as Finland. This means there is plenty of room left over back there in case, on the way home, these people decide to pick up something else, such as a herd of bison.

Then comes the scary part: getting the Subdivision out of the parking space. This is a challenge, because the driver apparently cannot, while sitting in the driver's seat, see all the way to either end of the vehicle. I drive a compact car, and on a number of occasions I have found myself trapped behind a Subdivision backing directly toward me, its massive metal butt looming high over my head, making me feel like a Tokyo pedestrian looking up at Godzilla.

I've tried honking my horn, but the Subdivision drivers can't hear me, because they're always talking on cellular phones the size of Chiclets. ("The Bigger Your Car, the Smaller Your Phone," that is their motto.) I don't know who they're talking to. Maybe they're negotiating with their bison suppliers. Or maybe they're trying to contact somebody in the same area code as the rear ends of their cars, so they can find out what's going on back there. All I know is, I'm thinking of carrying marine flares, so I can fire them into the air as a warning to Subdivision drivers that they're about to run me over. Although frankly I'm not sure they'd care if they did. A big reason why they bought a sport-utility vehicle is "safety," in the sense of, "you, personally, will be safe, although every now and then you may have to clean the remains of other motorists out of your wheel wells."

Anyway, now we have the new Ford, which will be even larger than the Subdivision, which I imagine means it will have separate decks for the various classes of passengers, and possibly, way up in front by the hood ornament, Leonardo DiCaprio showing Kate Winslet how to fly. I can't wait until one of these babies wheels into my supermarket parking lot. Other motorists and pedestrians will try to flee in terror, but they'll be sucked in by the Ford's powerful gravitational field and become stuck to its massive sides like so many refrigerator magnets. They won't be noticed, however, by the Ford's driver, who will be busy whacking at the side of his or her head, trying to dislodge his or her new cell phone, which is the size of a single grain of rice and has fallen deep into his or her ear canal.

And it will not stop there. This is America, darn it, and Chevrolet is not about to just sit by and watch Ford walk away with the coveted title of Least Sane Motor Vehicle. No, cars will keep getting bigger: I see a time, not too far from now, when upscale suburbanites will haul their overdue movies back to the video rental store in full-size, 18-wheel tractor-trailers with names like "The Vagabond." It will be a proud time for all Americans, a time for us to cheer for our country. We should cheer loud, because we'll be hard to hear, inside the wheel wells